


in this deep night, i'm endlessly ruined

by babyweis



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mental Health Issues, i'm sorry i was in pain writing this, inspired by lost in the dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 04:56:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16010732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyweis/pseuds/babyweis
Summary: Minhyuk dreams





	in this deep night, i'm endlessly ruined

Minhyuk dreams.

He dreams when he's asleep, when he's awake. He dreams when he's in his own bed, in the kitchen, in the practice room, on the stage. He dreams when he's in a car, in hotel rooms, in restaurants. He dreams when he's alone and when he's surrounded by people.

He dreams of people, of faces he knows and faces he doesn't recognize. He dreams of flying. Of drowning. Of running. Of falling. He dreams of his home and he dreams of the oceans, of forests and countries that don't exist. He's travelling abroad and he's visiting his parents. He's back in school. He's in a bathtub. He's himself, he's a woman, he's a soloist, he's an European prince, he's a shoplifter. He gets hurt. He laughs. He can't breathe. He dances. He trips. He sings. He struggles. He jokes. He can't see. He writes. He yells. He gets married. He fights. He loves. He cries. He loves. He dies. He loves. He gets lost. He loves. He loves. He loves. He loves. He loves. He's torn. He loves.

 

 

 

 

  
There's a hand on Minhyuk's shoulder. It burns. It slides further and stops at the back of his neck. Minhyuk smiles at the camera. The picture is taken. The hand leaves. It still burns. He wipes at the corner of his eye with the back his hand. It smudges his make-up and Kihyun helps him fix it before the stylists notice. Kihyun asks him how he's holding up. He says he's good.

  
  


 

 

 

  
Minhyuk has a fever and gets left alone at home. He pulls the covers over his head. The room is cold. He closes his eyes but he can't fall asleep. He gets up and takes two painkillers. It's still cold. He coughs. He walks around the dorm and steals the warm hoodie Jooheon bought the week before. Hyunwoo calls him and asks him how he's doing. He says he's feeling better. That he really didn't need to stay at home. Hyunwoo says they will be home soon anyway. Minhyuk goes back to bed.

  
  


 

 

 

  
The interviewer asks if they've ever been in love before. Minhyuk has been talking the whole time but now he falls silent. Hoseok speaks up first. He's sitting next to Minhyuk. Minhyuk knows he's up next. People laugh at something Hoseok says and he laughs too. He doesn't know what to say. He says he has. The interviewer asks when. He doesn't know what to say. Everyone stares at him. Jooheon makes a joke and the interviewer forgets about the question. Minhyuk's hands are shaking. He refuses to listen to anything that's said afterwards. He stares at his lap and thinks about puppies and his childhood home. He's scared.

 

 

 

 

  
There's a heavy weight on Minhyuk's left side as someone leans against him. Changkyun sits to his right and acts as if he doesn't notice. Minhyuk imagines it's still normal. He smiles. He runs a hand through the soft hair tickling his neck. He doesn't know if he's allowed to do that anymore. His heart pounds. A fan calls for his name. He flashes a smile at that direction. There are several cameras pointing at him. He feels light-headed. He feels like throwing up. He's angry. He has to smile. The fansign ends. They are in the backroom. He wants to lash out but he doesn't. He's not angry anymore. He's frustrated. He goes to the bathroom and cries.

 

 

 

 

  
The lights are out. Hyungwon slams his laptop shut. The living room becomes darker. He tells Minhyuk to stop staring at him. Minhyuk says he wasn't staring. He was. Hyungwon gets up from the armchair. Minhyuk asks him why he's like this. He says he doesn't understand him. He wants to say a lot more but he's too scared to do that. Hyungwon tells him that he has no idea what he's talking about. Minhyuk wants to lash out again, but he doesn't. I miss you, he says. Hyungwon stares at him in the dark and doesn't respond. The lights are switched on. Kihyun comes to the living room and asks Minhyuk why he's still up. Minhyuk suddenly can't breathe. Kihyun comes over to his side and tries to comfort him. Hyungwon leaves the room and takes his laptop with him.

 

 

 

 

  
Minhyuk has been dreaming for a year. He goes to speak to the management. He says he needs a break. They've been filming for a new music video. Minhyuk is supposed to film a scene in a bathtub. He says he can't. They ask him what's wrong as if they don't know. Minhyuk breaks down and cries again. They try to calm him down and call Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo comes and listens and explains. He sits next to Minhyuk and rubs his back. Minhyuk is still nearly hysterical. He says he's sorry but he really can't. They promise he can take a break and make an appointment to a psychiatrist. Minhyuk doesn't need a psychiatrist. He needs Hyungwon. He doesn't tell that to them. He goes to the appointment but isn't able to speak. He moves back in with his parents. He tells the others he's sorry and he'll try to come back as soon as possible. They cry and say it's okay. They say they just want him to be okay.

 

 

 

 

  
Minhyuk dreams.

He dreams when he's asleep, when he's awake. He dreams of Hyungwon and he hates and he loves and he hates and he loves again until he's tired of it. He wants to stop dreaming. Hyungwon doesn't dream of him either. He wants to stop. It's been exactly two years and he wants to stop. He scrolls through the news on his phone and sees Hyungwon's name. He wants to stop. He wants everyone to stop.

There are two rings on his forefinger. He can't bear to look at them but he still doesn't take them off. He puts his phone away and he hates and he loves again. He closes his eyes and there are two hands caressing his face. He wants to slap them away. He doesn't.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i swear i started writing this meaning to make this a post-break up/getting back together fic but apparently i like pain


End file.
